I could be my messy self. I work hard to be consistent yet there's not much to be desired.
As I go about my days, thoughts race through this head of mine at a hundred miles per hour. It's as though I can't catch a break as each idea, each statement penetrates the brain attempting to worm its way to the forefront of my mind. Throughout each thought, I find that I'm hard on myself because I have so much to improve upon. While I can improve my mindset and find the faults to correct them, I'm not where I want to be as of yet. Let's admit, when I was a teenager, I was a piece of shit. I could have treated the people around me so much better and I wish I had. The past cannot be changed and all we have is the here and now. So, instead of worrying about what could have been, I want to focus on the now and be the best me I can be. That includes learning lessons now that I should have a year or so ago to treat those closest to me with the utmost respect.
I'm not perfect, and I will never obtain perfection but, that has never been asked of me. All that has been asked is respect and decency. Have I been through a lot in life to cause these habits? Oh yeah, I definitely have but, I've been able to finally admit that those habits are toxic traits that I've managed to breakthrough. For myself, I'm happy I've made it here. Those toxic traits gave nothing but excuses to hurt others and to be able to admit, learn, and grow from them has been quite the feat and I'm proud of that. There are people close to me now that I cherish and love. I'd do anything for them. And they have allowed me to be vulnerable and have helped me understand what I could not see before. What I refused to see before.
What toxic traits would these be? I must admit, I'm not quite ready to be public about those! Admitting it to myself, though, and then in therapy? That's really the best step for me to take right now. It's a step towards growth.
Speaking of growth, my sister has been here visiting this week so, my writing had been postponed, which is why this is also late. To make it up, not only will ya'll be receiving this post but, I will be posting again this week! TWO POSTS YAY! And much apologies. While I didn't write much, the story is coming along a little at a time and I'm excited to see where the character, Mark, goes. His own growth is quite important and will lead to decisions that would turn heads!
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