Over two weeks ago, I found myself spiraling fast. I had already been going through a "normal" depressive/manic episode but, it was becoming more than I could handle. Now, anyone can tell you that therapy helps but, without medication, life can still be a struggle. That's what life was, a struggle that I was pushing through and had been proving to myself and others that I can be fine without the help of drugs. I've made wonderful changes to my life and way of thinking that I'm now holding down true friendships but, it wasn't enough. This spiral broke me down and I made the choice to do a 72-hour voluntary hold in a psych ward.
What should have been a 3-day hold turned into 8 days of monotony. Every morning the nurse would take my vitals, prescribe my medication, and ask me the same routine questions - "Do you know your name?" "Do you know where you are?" "Do you know the date?" etc. After admittance, being in there is overwhelming and you feel the need to isolate but, I have to say I've met some wonderful people there. It's horrible the circumstances we met each other under but, I am glad to have met those I have and actually connected with one woman as soon as I was discharged. From reading other people's experiences from being held in those facilities, it tends to sound like a nightmare. Yes, I was poked and prodded for multiple blood tests, and in the acute treatment, we're incredibly restricted with people monitoring us every 15 minutes. We did have our own rooms, though, and were allowed to wear our everyday clothing as opposed to the hospital gowns of other facilities. The Occupational Therapist, OT's, would take us out for movement group, and a couple of them truly listen and showed deep care for everyone. Once you're moved from acute treatment to a different unit, you have more allowance in the kitchen, with what you can have in your room, and are checked on less frequently.
Because I have children, being in there as long as I had was wearing down on the minimal support system I have here. I was discharged against medical advice and took the time after to readjust to life, stay off of tech as much as possible, and took the time to join some local groups - a choir being one. I'm slowly but surely meeting new people and finally allowing myself to start up hobbies and activities that have always held my interest. The fear of rejection and failure holds us back and we can only move forward in life by allowing change and stepping out of our bubble.
What does all of that have to do with mental health? According to my psychiatrist, everything. It's great I have hobbies and friends but, having other stuff and people to break up the weeks, can add more value. Having medication can help me schedule better and put me in a better place where I can be open to new things. The only thing medication could never have me ready for would-be needles. They will always make me anxious and one of my medications requires weekly blood tests until it reaches therapeutic levels.
One thing it assured me of, being in there, is that I miss streaming on Twitch for everyone. The community I had built, the people I've met, and hearing others share how grateful they are for me? That I helped them through times of hardship? I want to be there for everyone again. I know I can't save everyone or take away their pain but, if I can provide a space for them to temporarily forget reality, for them to find happiness, then I want to give that to them. Even if it only helps one person, then I'll have done my job.
Real quick - I found out I like doing puzzles.
Anyways, that's where I've been. From Mental Hospital to giving myself a mental break.
Life is hard and it's okay to seek help.
International Suicide Hotlines -
https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines BetterHelp Affordable Private Therapy (Offers Financial Aid) - https://www.betterhelp.com/get-started/
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